None of this was part of the plan. None of it happened the way I imagined it would. Not for my very first time.
In my last days of college I made a decision to change, a decision to embrace a life beyond the rigid structure of classes and studying that I had lived every moment up until now.
When he invited me to this party I had no idea things would get this wild.
Nate had always been there for me, asking me out even though it was always the wrong time. He was trying to be my friend and I wanted him to be more, but I never imagined that when I finally said yes that I would be wrapped up into a world like this.
A world where anything goes, where everyone in this place is fair game. A world where people let loose far beyond my wildest imaginings. Where they pair off and group up in threes and fours and more to taste the pleasures of each others bodies.
I made a promise to say yes but I never thought it would be like this. I want to experience life but I never thought it would all happen so fast. I’ve never done anything before, and here I am surrounded by everything.
And a part of me is screaming to give in.
Excerpt
“Everyone here,” I trailed off, my words failing myself.
“I’m sorry Eve,” he told me sincerely, “I should have told you about this.”
I looked up into his warm eyes and knew that he was being honest with me. He felt terrible about the place he’d put me in. He didn’t want to hurt me and he thought that he was, but I didn’t know if that was really the case.
I mean I was shocked, that much cannot be denied. I was stunned at the thought that all of this was happening but the shock wasn’t fatal.
And I couldn’t deny that my already primed approach to the night had left me open and vulnerable, and it might just be the lack of experiencing anything in my whole damn life had made it hit me all the harder.
Looking at all of these people around me, seeing them pressing on each other. Seeing the shocking sight of flesh in the flesh for the first time.
It didn’t scare me. Shock me yes but not scare.
Instead, it was doing something else.
“I wouldn’t have come,” I said to him, “If you had told me I wouldn’t have come.”
“I know,” he acknowledged, and his tone told me that he had misinterpreted my words. He thought I was angry with him, accusing him of misleading me.
But that wasn’t the case at all.
“No that’s not a good thing,” I told him, “Nate I wouldn’t have come if you told me but I’ve… I’ve gone so long choosing that option. The safe option.
“Every time you ask me to one of these parties I get almost all the way here and I go home. I’ve denied myself anything remotely resembling a real full life for so long because I’ve just never had the courage to come out and experience it.
“If you’d told me the truth I wouldn’t have come, and that would be bad.”
I was staring at him, my feet closing the distance between us bit by bit. I was stepping into him so slowly it was nearly imperceptible but I could feel it, the heavy weight of this man I had needed for so long drawing me in.
“We don’t have to stay,” he told me, “We could leave and go grab a drink, grab a coffee. We could talk somewhere away from all of this.”
“I don’t want to talk. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want to leave.”
And then I kissed him.