I froze, my body unable to move and my mind working overtime as I played out the worst-case scenario and felt it get twisted by my dark desires into something else entirely.

You see the normal nightmare scenario would be that he found me, that he’d spotted me moving from a distance and came over to confront me. He’d stop a few feet away and bark an order at me.

“I know you’re there, don’t move a muscle. The police are on their way.”

And I’d soon feel the clap of cuffs on my wrists, a blanket tossed over me for dignity as the police dragged me away for indecent exposure. Printed and photographed and locked in a cell, the trial would be a quick affair and my reputation would never recover.

That was the nightmare I expected my mind to conjure, but the fantasy that played out was something else entirely.

In that new fantasy, he’d approach just like the last time. He’d stop a few feet away and still bark an order at me, but it would be so different in its result.

“I know you’re there, come out here now. You know you can’t escape.”

And I’d hesitate and he’d command me again and I’d stumble out breathless, my eyes downcast with shame but my skin feeling the heat of his gaze on me as he ran it up and down my body. I’d feel him step forward, his breath hot on my skin and his hands nearly touching me as they ran over me, as he walked around me, as he inspected me until he nodded with approval.

“Yeah, you’ll do.”

There would be a click that I wouldn’t recognize and then I’d know precisely what happened when he clicked that collar around my neck instead. Cinched tight, the leash still connected, he’d tug and I’d follow as he led me out of the darkness of my cover and into the light of the crowd.

And he’d call out to people, asking them to look at what he found. He’d tell them my name, my address, he’d know everything about me and he’d lead me right out into the open, into the space in the middle of the park where it feels like everyone can see for miles around.

With a tug, he’d have me on my knees then. He’d issue orders, demands that I would willingly follow as I unbuckled his belt, undid his zipper, and made true on the one name he kept on calling me as he had paraded me around.

“Look at the slut I found. Look at her, she wants you to see her.”

And I did, and I do. My eyes watched him draw closer in the real world as my hands gripped tight to the trunks of two nearby trees. I didn’t know whether I was bracing myself to keep myself in the darkness or preparing to use them to launch myself off into the light and give myself to him. I didn’t know what I wanted, which side of myself was going to win the war raging in my heart.

God I didn’t know, I couldn’t know, and as I watching him walk past without a glance towards me I had to fight against mewling out and crying out with frustration that nothing at all had come to pass.

I slumped down, spinning around and surprised at how heavy I was breathing. I put my head in my hands, so shocked at the certainty that I’d wanted him to catch me, to expose me and make them see.