I thought I left all of this in the past, but one night with him and I know nothing has changed.
He’s just an old friend, coming into town to catch up and reconnect. We knew each other at a different time when I was a different person. Now I’m married and I have a life. I’m happy and content.
But my old friend sees all of that as weakness. He challenges me, telling me that I’ve changed. He shames me into defending myself and then when he’s got me on the back foot that’s when he strikes.
For a moment it’s just like it used to be. Just his lips on mine and his hands on my body. Just him reminding me of the woman I used to be, of all the cruel betrayals I used to love.
But it’s different now, I’m married and I’m in love. It’s different because I’ve got a house and a family and a life and I don’t do that anymore. I’m not that woman who would cheat time and again and again. I’m better than that, right?
Each moment in his arms proves that nothing has changed. Each moment he has me, he’s showing me that I’m still the woman I used to be. That I still have the same cravings and needs that he is only too familiar with and only too ready to satisfy.
I’m a cheater. I’m an adulteress. I’m unforgivable, but then forgiveness isn’t what I crave.
Excerpt
For my part I’ll admit to deliberately withholding any mention of Grant for all these years. Tonight I was deliberately vague as well, clearly doing my best to dance around Roger’s questions and avoid too many specifics.
Roger knew Grant and I went to college together. He knew that we were good friends. He knew that Grant had moved across the country after graduation while I stayed close. He knew that we didn’t date.
The truth was all of that, none of it lies but all of it clearly avoiding any specifics. At first out of a vague inclination to keep things away from Roger, but later and with the certainty of seeing his competitive nature it became more deliberate because if this was how he was going to react with little information… Well this was one of those situations where being more informed would only make things worse.
What would Roger think now? What would he think if he knew that his stupidity and competitiveness had led to me standing outside of my bedroom door with him snoring on the other side? What would he think if he knew that Grant was here with me, just the two of us alone in this big house and the two of us sharing mutual delight in the ridiculousness of my husband? What would he think if he knew that I’d had the chance to go across the country with Grant all those years ago and now I was wondering for the first time in a decade why I hadn’t said yes?
“Drink?” I asked him simply and Grant just nodded with a shrug.
There was a moment of pause after that while I looked at the man before brushing past him, coming nearly close enough to touch him and certainly close enough for him to leave the memory and the impression of his bulk on me.
Spotting Grant on the street tonight just outside of that bar had made me feel like I’d just stepped out of a time machine. I glanced up as he called out my name with surprise and my heart felt like it stopped, staring at the man and looking at him as if a single day hadn’t passed since I’d dropped him off at the airport and made a futile promise to keep in touch.
The years had been kind to Grant, so kind that he hadn’t changed at all. He still wore the same fitted t-shirt and jeans that looked worn in all the right ways. The clothes still hugged him just right, showing off those broad shoulders and that sculpted physique that he always made seem so effortless.
His hairstyle had turned out to be timeless so he hadn’t changed it at all. Longer on the top than on the sides and artfully flicked back showing his face that was sculpted with a model-like beauty. Handsome and square-jawed and looking like an athlete with the flicker of mischief in his eyes that showed such a surprising depth to him.
I’d been told more than once that I didn’t age. I mean I saw it in myself when I looked in the mirror, but I understood what they meant when they asked me where I hid the portrait that did all my aging for me or where I kept my fountain of youth hidden. I’d always kind of figured that maybe it was just that I looked like I wasn’t aging when I stood next to a man who so clearly was doing enough aging for the both of us, but coming face to face with Grant I think I was starting to understand what all those people saw in me.
Because this man didn’t look like he was aging. He was still every bit the man I’d gone to school with, every bit my worst influence and every bit the trickster god that had led me down so many dark and dangerous paths.
So what was a girl supposed to do when the worst thing to ever happen to her walked right back into her life? What option did I have but to say yes when he asked if I’d like to catch up? After all I knew ten years ago what I knew now, that when it came to Grant Ross there was no way that I could say no.
He had a hold on me. He was a drug and an addiction and from somewhere and somehow I’d managed to keep myself safe and put a continent between us but tonight with him standing in front of me, with him sitting across from me in the bar, with him following me downstairs to my kitchen in my big and empty home I knew that there was only danger and destruction that could come from spending one more moment with him.
Of course, I wasn’t about to stop myself.