I’m comfortable with who I am, a man who is slim and a bit femme. Androgynous and comfortable with blurring all the lines.
People in this town don’t like me. I’ve been mistaken for a woman from behind so many times and I know the men resent me for it, but I also know their secret.
I know about the place just outside town they visit. I know about the hole in the bathroom and I know what happens there. I know they’re all in denial and I’ve seen the way they look at me.
They want me, and I’m going to show them there is nothing to be afraid of.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’ve never done anything with a man before and here I was going to a place where there were no rules and nothing held back.
When I’m on my knees in front of that hole and there is a man on the other side I don’t know if I can give him what he needs. I don’t know if I have it in me to open wide.
But I think that I need to satisfy these urges inside of me.
Excerpt
The shot came and I watched as my fingers took it in them. My nails had been manicured and were painted a deep and cherry red. My grip delicate but deliberate as I brought it to my lips and swallowed it whole.
The liquid burned as it went down and I practically slammed the glass onto the bar before reaching into my pocket and pulling out my lip gloss. I took my time reapplying it, noticing the men on either side of me watching as I spun in my chair and looked out over the room.
All of them were staring at me, faces I recognized and didn’t recognize. All of them watching me and none of them trying to hide how they felt.
There was a warmth inside of me, pleasure suffusing me at the thought of what I was just about to do. When I slipped off of my stool and my feet hit the ground you could hear a pin drop, not a sound in the place as I ran my fingers through my hair and bit my bottom lip.
I put a bit of extra sway in my hips as I walked to the bathroom. There were only two doors here, men’s and a single occupancy for women. I didn’t belong in either door and yet my place was behind the single occupancy. I gripped the handle, gave one final look around me, and stepped inside.
The room was surprisingly clean. Cold tile and a toilet in the back corner. There was a sink as well, pristine in finish and cleanliness. It was a nice room, with even a nice little pillow on the floor in front of that hole.
That hole that led to everything. That led to the other room and the expectations of firm and angry men. That hole that I walked up to and fell down on my knees in front of. And there I remained, waiting.
Through the hole I could see the other bathroom, empty of all people. I could see the lights flickering and I waited for what felt like an eternity, practically pressing myself against the wall and willing someone to fill it.
I began to think that my instincts were wrong. That I’d look the fool and have to walk out of this place unfulfilled and unused. I started to plan out my retreat, weighing whether it was better to leave quickly as if I’d just used the facilities or whether I should wait until the end of the night when the place was going to be mostly empty.
It was an equal chance of humiliation either way. And I was almost certain that I was going to have to endure it.
But then I heard a door open through the hole. I heard footsteps walking in and I saw the body passing in front of it.
They walked right past the hole and I held my breath, then watched as they walked back and stood a foot away, no doubt staring at me.
All I could see was jeans and a belt buckle, nothing to identify them. I waited while holding my breath, and then my hand worked of its own accord.
Reaching through the hole and gesturing to him. Fingers trying to reach him with a desperation as I gripped the sides of the hole and willed him to step up to it.