When I feel the change come over me all I know is that it feels so right.
It started years ago when I made the choice to come to this town. I left behind friends, everyone and everything that I knew. I’ve never been the same since that day.
It’s like coming home finally, slipping into a skin that isn’t mine but that fits so well. I can stretch again and this new body responds so well. Alive with desire, with needs I could have never dreamed of.
I’ve regretted it since then and I would do anything to go back to that single moment. I would do anything to get a second chance, to do it all over again. I see that star and I make that wish, hoping against hope that my wish will become my reality.
I’m her now, the version of myself that I was always meant to be. I’m her in thoughts and desires and I can feel everything she feels. I know what she wants, what she needs.
I know what can satisfy her.
Walking away that first time meant losing him. As I used to be I could never have had him in my life. I could never be the woman he needs.
All that has changed now.
Excerpt
“What are you looking for then?” he asked me, “What is it that you want tonight?”
I want. I want so desperately, so fully. I want with every inch of my body and my being.
I want to be enough for him all by myself.
And I closed my eyes. I closed them and took a deep shuddering breath and fell further into another sort of darkness. A darkness composed of a wish and a reality made manifest.
And I felt that darkness seep into me and start to shine. Burning out through my skin and my being. Burning out through me and burning everything that was me away until I was different, until I was changed.
I was remade in a different image.
When I felt his hand on my shoulder I remembered feeling like it was odd.
There is a difference between dreams and memories, even though they might both share a sort of awkward insubstantialness. A dream feels wispy, like pictures painted on tissue paper. A memory feels like it dances just outside of your grip. You can draw out details more easily from a memory and they seem more concrete, more substantial, but they feel somehow just out of reach. Just past the stretch of your fingertips.
This moment. His touch on me. It felt more memory than dream.
“Are you okay?” he asked me, “You look pale. Are you feeling sick?”
And there is a concern in his voice and I notice it but more than that I notice how close he is to me. Trevor had always been taller than me but it feels now like he’s towering above me, more than a head above me. He had always been strong, but now he makes me feel weak.
Delicate. Petite.
Not at all like myself.
And when I opened my eyes and I looked up at him my breath caught in my throat but the words, they bubbled out all the same.
“I know what I want,” I whispered, but though my words were quiet he heard them, “I don’t want to deny it anymore. I can’t deny it anymore. Trevor, right here on this last night I want to have no more regrets. I want… Oh god, Trevor, I need to-“
I cut my own words off by pressing myself against him. My lips found his and I felt him stiffen and freeze in surprise.
His hands were still on my shoulders and the grip on me tightened for a minute. I don’t even know if his eyes closed the whole time I kissed him.
The first time I kissed him.